what dreams may come

This is my new necklace. I've been wearing it for at least two months. I use to wear a simple gold cross that my grandmother bought me. You might think that I've abandoned the cross because I'm questioning my faith because of events in my life. However, I've found that it simply doesn't represent me at this moment in my life. This is a labyrinth pendant, which I bought, in June, at the Annual conference for my church. I bought it from a gentleman from Israel. He was selling a whole bunch of items from Jerusalem and the surrounding area. I picked this up and was instantly drawn to it, for its simplicity. It is silver and on the back has a notation engraved "Chartres Labyrinth Chartres, France"

I feel like I am walking around inside a labyrinth. Its odd though, because I can go days without feeling sad-almost like I'm close to some sort of "normal." Then, one day, I wake up and my chest begins to heave and I feel the weight of the lost all over again, or I am walking through a super market and my whole body becomes flush and I realize my brother's dead. The worst though, honestly, is driving home from work, believing that miraculously my brother didn't die and is at home and this whole thing is a mistake. Throughout the month of August I would drive home from work as fast as I could, somehow believing that he was going to be there. This subsided for a while, but this past week I find myself feeling the same way. 

Christmas is fast approaching. I've been semi-lazy with my shopping. It's a very odd feeling.  A few people have approached me, I'm sure with the best intentions, and said "The holidays must be hard for you, because of what happened." I'm trying to be understanding of people who simply have no clue what to say to me. I understand, if situations were reverse I honestly wouldn't know what to say. But seriously, every single day that I open my eyes and breathe is hard. I hate to be trite, but every breath I take hurts with sadness. So I find before me two choices: to stay in bed, curled in the fetal position, drowning in my tears or to wake up every morning and survive the wicked world.

"The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks 
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation 
Devoutly to be wish'd." Hamlet - Shakespeare