i'm pretty sure that if i had enough guts i would have shaved my hair off.
with that said I figured the best thing to do would just not cut it off until i stop feeling this way, who knows i might end up with really long hair.
maybe a lot of people think i'm actually okay because i don't cry in public and i don't freak out when i talk about brian, but the thing is: no one has really asked me how i have been doing.
in the last few months i really haven't heard from any of my "friends"...no phone calls, e-mails, letters etc. so how do you think i have been?
it's okay because honestly if i was put in the same situation maybe i would be as cold, but now i know how to act when a friend of mine is slowly sinking
you might say, "well i've never been in that situation before", or " I don't know what to say" or "Should I mention it? Or just ask about the weather?" or "Oh, it's been two months, she must be moving on"
SERIOUSLY
So if you are still reading this, here is what the book I'm reading says about what doesn't help:
"Since the most common complaint among surviving siblings has to do with insensitive remarks, let's begin with what not to say to a bereaved sibling (or any grieving person, for that matter). Topping the list of things to avoid saying are such well-worn expressions as "He's in a better place" and "At least he's not suffering any more." Along the same lines, I recall several people urging me to "Cheer up. Your brother wouldn't want you to feel so sad." (Gee, if you shouldn't feel sad when your brother or sister dies, when should you feel sad?)... Another condolence no-no is to make false promises or statements that on the surface sound very caring and sincere, but are really just fluff. A good example is the ever popular "Call me if you need me." Rest assured, a grieving person will NEVER call you. It's not that they don't need you or want you around because they probably need all the help they can get. The reason "Call me if you need me" never works is because most grieving people simply lack the emotional energy to call and ask for help. Some feel too embarrassed, while others recognize the statements as insincere to begin with. It's probably a better idea to say something like "I'm going to call you tomorrow to see how you're doing." Better yet, decide on a time to visit, and then follow through.... Surviving siblings also cite story topping as another inappropriate but common reaction from others. Story topping is usually intended as a way to commiserate with the bereaved--to try to let the grieving person know you've been there--yet story topping usually has the opposite effect. Unless you've lost a sibling under similar circumstances, it's best to avoid comparing your loss to another's, thus making their loss really about you.....
Similarly, surviving siblings find dismissive condolences unhelpful. A dismissive condolence... is a lot like story topping, only worse. A dismissive condolence appears to be an expression of sympathy, but it usually just diminishes your grief. The most common dismissive condolence, "Your brother/sister died? How awful! How are your parents?" is probably the most difficult to bear because, in most cases, the person offering the "condolence" doesn't even know your parents. The condolence, then, is not really meant for you at all." T.J. Wray from her book "Surviving the Death of a Sibling"
with that said I figured the best thing to do would just not cut it off until i stop feeling this way, who knows i might end up with really long hair.
maybe a lot of people think i'm actually okay because i don't cry in public and i don't freak out when i talk about brian, but the thing is: no one has really asked me how i have been doing.
in the last few months i really haven't heard from any of my "friends"...no phone calls, e-mails, letters etc. so how do you think i have been?
it's okay because honestly if i was put in the same situation maybe i would be as cold, but now i know how to act when a friend of mine is slowly sinking
you might say, "well i've never been in that situation before", or " I don't know what to say" or "Should I mention it? Or just ask about the weather?" or "Oh, it's been two months, she must be moving on"
SERIOUSLY
So if you are still reading this, here is what the book I'm reading says about what doesn't help:
"Since the most common complaint among surviving siblings has to do with insensitive remarks, let's begin with what not to say to a bereaved sibling (or any grieving person, for that matter). Topping the list of things to avoid saying are such well-worn expressions as "He's in a better place" and "At least he's not suffering any more." Along the same lines, I recall several people urging me to "Cheer up. Your brother wouldn't want you to feel so sad." (Gee, if you shouldn't feel sad when your brother or sister dies, when should you feel sad?)... Another condolence no-no is to make false promises or statements that on the surface sound very caring and sincere, but are really just fluff. A good example is the ever popular "Call me if you need me." Rest assured, a grieving person will NEVER call you. It's not that they don't need you or want you around because they probably need all the help they can get. The reason "Call me if you need me" never works is because most grieving people simply lack the emotional energy to call and ask for help. Some feel too embarrassed, while others recognize the statements as insincere to begin with. It's probably a better idea to say something like "I'm going to call you tomorrow to see how you're doing." Better yet, decide on a time to visit, and then follow through.... Surviving siblings also cite story topping as another inappropriate but common reaction from others. Story topping is usually intended as a way to commiserate with the bereaved--to try to let the grieving person know you've been there--yet story topping usually has the opposite effect. Unless you've lost a sibling under similar circumstances, it's best to avoid comparing your loss to another's, thus making their loss really about you.....
Similarly, surviving siblings find dismissive condolences unhelpful. A dismissive condolence... is a lot like story topping, only worse. A dismissive condolence appears to be an expression of sympathy, but it usually just diminishes your grief. The most common dismissive condolence, "Your brother/sister died? How awful! How are your parents?" is probably the most difficult to bear because, in most cases, the person offering the "condolence" doesn't even know your parents. The condolence, then, is not really meant for you at all." T.J. Wray from her book "Surviving the Death of a Sibling"
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