solace

This morning was spent at church. A very busy morning indeed at church. At 9:30 I had Sunday school and then the service, which was quite long, and then I had coffee hour. 

During the service we decorated the church. Prior to the beginning of the service the Pastor asked the youth and me to set up the nativity scene, during a certain song in the service. The above picture is Mary. I always find these figurines very interesting. 

Again, today I was approached by a woman who said she has been thinking about me and again said that it must be hard for me because of the holidays. I could tell that she was genuine. She does care, but again isn't quite sure how to approach me. 

My brother stopped attending church after high school. I think partly because he was always going out on Saturday nights and partly because he spent almost a year and a half in Florida. When he was younger and when I was younger we went every week. We were part of Sunday School, plays, visitations and everything else. Most recently, he helped me set up the tables and chairs for the Easter morning breakfast. 

When I was little, Sunday afternoons were spent at my grandmother's house eating egg salad sandwiches and playing cards. As I grew older my brother began spending more and more time with my grandparents--in my place. He and my grandfather were very close. They had a special bond that I think only male relatives can share. My brother was fascinated with everything military and my grandfather loved his enthusiasm. But I stray.

This is the second Sunday in Advent. The candle of peace was lit today. I began reading the grief book again, last night before bed. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. I read the chapter on Solitude. It is an unfortunate paradox that a person grieving seeks solace in being alone. This chapter called out to me, and reminded me of what exactly I have been doing these last few months. Yes, I have been going out occasionally; to dinner with a friend, to an event with my cousin, but I have not once sought out a friend directly and did something fun. I have watched Season 1-4 of The Office on dvd about two times now, some episodes more than twice. I have watched movies alone, I go shopping alone. Something just feels really right about being alone right now. I think because I hate uttering words that have to do with grief or dying or death or my brother. Its not because it hurts to do so-although it really does. It just seems all too much to say out loud. I feel myself becoming annoyed with people who ask about my brother. Something I show it, and sometimes I don't. Again, it is not directed at the person asking, but at the emotion it makes me feel. 

I am going to go and begin baking my cookies for the cookie-swap at work. I'll post pictures and the recipe. Also, tonight I am going to a lessons and carols service. Hopefully I'll take some cool pictures.