his fingerprints

I looked at my brother's death certificate yesterday. he died august 4, 2008 at 8:04 p.m. there was some medical term written on the bottom, the reason he died. it's just so weird. the other day i found his birth certificate and yesterday I held his death certificate, you know like in grade school you get certificates for like reading 50 books or like running the fastest in gym. I mean those are the certificates my brother and I should have. and then there is his room. i've gone through it a few times. I sit in there and look around. the other day jessie and i went through the drawers of his dresser, and his entertainment system. I found things I thought didn't exist anymore, he saved so much. there is so much stuff in there and now we have to sort through it.

tonight after my parents went to bed I sat up for a moment I thought that he was coming home. for a moment I thought "hey I wonder when brian is coming home" And I hate that I even thought that. I hate that it even crossed my mind. You know I'm sitting at the computer desk, typing this on his laptop. Like two weeks ago he was sitting right here...it's just so hard to explain, so hard to express what it's like...

you know the worst part, s trying to be so strong...