un-used things

I purchased a book on amazon.com using my brother's gift certificate he did not use--was a christmas present.
It's called "Surviving the Death of a Sibling: Living Through Grief When an Adult Brother or Sister Dies" by T.J. Wray
I've read the first chapter on shock. The next is on denial. I find it even hard to just hold a book about the death of a sibling, let alone have my eyes look at the words on the page and my brain process the words in my head and string them together in sentences and paragraphs and then have my hands turn each page as I continue on.


32 days 3 hours and twenty minutes

In the stillness of remembering what you had...And what you lost

I had a dream last night that I just cannot stop thinking about, it was truly odd. I remember crying and being very upset because I knew the ashes inside the nice oak box were not my brothers. I saw him walking around the house-although at points it was my brother when he was much younger. I talked to him and he said he had to do it and I think that meant that he had to die. But I remember screaming at my mom and dad saying it wasn't my brother in the box, and they were getting ready to go to the funeral. I ran to my brothers room and opened the door and saw him in there cleaning up and re organizing (something that we've been doing since he actually died) and I tried to talk to him, but it was if he couldn't listen to me just kept saying it was something he had to do. I was so angry because he was alive and I didn't want him to get made into ashes. I was so frantic and I couldn't understand why he was so adamant about telling me that he had to do this. It was just very strange because he was a younger version of himself, mostlikely when he was eight, nine or ten. I woke up startled because in my dream I was so angry that no one believed me that it wasn't my brother.

This is the third or fourth vivid dream of my brother that I've had since he died.
A few days afterwards I had a dream that he and I were going for a ride in his car and that after the car ride I would have to say goodbye for good to him. I remember in the dream telling my father that it would be so hard to say goodbye and I remember seeing my brother get into the driver side door of the car. And in my dream I felt this huge dread with the thought of never seeing him again.
Then I had another dream that my brother came back, but he didn't have some of his skin and his eyes were broken-like they didn't work properly and we were trying to track down where his eyes went to and where his skin was. And I gave him his cell phone so he could call his friends. You see in real life my parents decided to donate his corneas and skin and heart valves. I just remember being really happy that he came back, although I was concerned with trying to get him put back together.
It's been 31 days since he died. I remember that night like it was yesterday. I remember driving to north adams thinking he was at his friends house and I had a vision of my brother on the side of the road-bloody and crying. I started to cry while driving because I was so worried that something had happened. I couldn't shake the image out of my mind. I turned around to go home after I found he wasn't parked outside his friend's apartment. I just had a very unsettled feeling in my stomach. As I drove around the bend in my road I saw my father's friend's car parked in my front yard. Like he had driven so fast he almost hit the house. I got out of the car and my father said "It's over...Brian's dead."
I didn't shut the car down behind me, my arms went limp. I knew I had to walk forward but I just couldn't look at anyone. I walked past my mother and my grandmother and cried that we needed to call our minister. My stomach became a rock and I just sat. I then had to call friends and family. I called our uncle jim, our cousin charlie, his friend jessie and his friend from infancy-james' parents.
sometimes...sometimes when I'm driving home there is this little hope deep inside that when I get home my brother will be there. I miss his voice, I miss his smile, I miss his grumpy attitude, I miss when he use to yell at me. I miss hearing him type on the computer while I watch tv in the living room. I miss when he would yell at me to get off the computer. I miss teasing him about his "girl" friends..........
It's been 31 days and 1 hour....that was when I began writing this...now it's been 31 days and 1 hour and 12 minutes


"Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life" - Stevie Nicks



*subject line written by Stevie Nicks

his fingerprints

I looked at my brother's death certificate yesterday. he died august 4, 2008 at 8:04 p.m. there was some medical term written on the bottom, the reason he died. it's just so weird. the other day i found his birth certificate and yesterday I held his death certificate, you know like in grade school you get certificates for like reading 50 books or like running the fastest in gym. I mean those are the certificates my brother and I should have. and then there is his room. i've gone through it a few times. I sit in there and look around. the other day jessie and i went through the drawers of his dresser, and his entertainment system. I found things I thought didn't exist anymore, he saved so much. there is so much stuff in there and now we have to sort through it.

tonight after my parents went to bed I sat up for a moment I thought that he was coming home. for a moment I thought "hey I wonder when brian is coming home" And I hate that I even thought that. I hate that it even crossed my mind. You know I'm sitting at the computer desk, typing this on his laptop. Like two weeks ago he was sitting right here...it's just so hard to explain, so hard to express what it's like...

you know the worst part, s trying to be so strong...

my baby brother

okay here are the facts.

My baby brother Brian, 21, died Monday, August 4th around 8 pm as a result of a motorcycle accident. I don't know the specifics, but I doubt I'll ever know what really happened. There is, in fact, only one person who will ever know. Anyway, after the crash he was meda vac'd to Albany Medical Center and he died there.

His funeral was August 9th at the First United Methodist Church in my home town.

I am not porcelain, I am not going to break if you talk to me.

Brian died doing something he lived doing. I pray that we all find that something we love and do it until we die.

love

~amanda