sense...since

I wish I had written a few weeks ago. I had woken up in the morning from a strange and oddly familiar dream. I dreamt of my brother. I cherish the nights when I'm able to be with him once again. Its an odd mixture of happiness and deep sadness that these dreams conjure up within me. When I'm awake, even if it is silent and I close my eyes, I cannot remember the sound of his voice speaking, but in my dreams, he speaks and it is so clear.

Five days ago would have been my brother's 23rd birthday. I made a facebook event and invited friends and family to join in celebrating his life by doing something wonderful for someone else. I let myself cry on his birthday. I try often not to cry because when I do it hurts too much. I cried though, hard, in the shower. I felt like I could double over in pain as the tears cascaded down my face. I realized something, and am slowly realizing it still today that this is never really going to go away. And honestly, I feel like if I don't think of Brian once a day, then I've forgotten him. The majority of the time I laugh when I think of him. I tell stories to friends of our crazy antics as children.

In less than two weeks I will be flying (for the first time!!!) to Florida to go on vacation at Disney with my boyfriend and his family. It will be such a wonderful experience. I think it will be good to get away from school and the dorm for a while. Escaping homework and classes right before exams and final projects will be a challenge, but well worth the stress relief that comes with vacations.

I am learning to live with the mixture that has become my life; hopeful expectations and painful sad memories, contentment and anxiety, happiness and longing. These and other wonderful dichotomies fill my life and are making me the person I have become....since my brother died.